Grieve, Procrastinate, Repeat
This last few weeks have been rough, kind of murky to move through at all. By 4pm every day, I’m nearly completely checked out, ready to call it a day and just be done with things. I’m not entirely sure why, a myriad of reasons, I suppose. My dog is still not 100% better after his surgery, it’s still the sticky hot Virginia summer that leaves us trapped in our houses, I’m worried about some friends who are going through difficult times. Basically, I wake up every morning already exhausted by my thoughts and worries, or just exhausted by the new ones waiting for me. The usual tools in my bag of tricks are not working, so I need to change it up. Don’t just “need to,” but “must do.”
I can’t say for sure, but I can say with some certainty that traumatic events probably exacerbate bad habits. I’ve thankfully never struggled with addiction. I used to smoke, but stopped almost 20 years ago. So, I guess the easiest thing to reach for was procrastination. I’m trying to give myself a little bit of grace, but not too much. Did I just go through a couple of awful and life-turning events? Yes. Does everything need to be tied up neatly with a bow right away? Of course not. Certain things (Hi, probate!) take time. There are lots of things to untangle when you lose a person, let alone two.
“But I’m Grieving…” and Other Reasons I Procrastinate
I’m punishing myself. I know this. My own life feels like watching sea creatures float around in an aquarium—I’m present, but there’s a thick panel of glass separating me from actual action and things that would make my life easier. I’m trying mightily to shift my focus from distracting behaviors, I’m worried about financial stuff and taxes, I’m jealous of friends who are successfully adulting and doing things like planning vacations. I’m losing focus, I’m mad that I’ve not completed the edits to my novel…the list goes on.
One thing I’ve discovered: Procrastination is a real, debilitating and potentially life-ruining habit. And when you combine it with the always-handy “But I’m grieving, I should be kind to myself!” it’s positively diabolical. The great thing about procrastination is, like grief, it’s invisible and really, the only person whose life it’s harming is your own.
I know this is a childish way of thumbing my nose at things I don’t want to do, also known as being an adult. Does anyone really want to track their expenses, file taxes and fill out endless forms? Of course not. When you’re grieving I can say with 100% certainty that if it’s not immediately needed and/or beneficial to your well-being and daily life, you will definitely put it off until the last minute. Finishing tasks just doesn’t have the same dopamine hit as listening to a great song, working out or binging TV.
I’ve always been a procrastinator--homework done at the last minute, college essays typed up an hour before they were due (in the days before email and BlackBoard). There was a thrill to being down to the wire and still getting it all done. A stressful thrill, I’ll admit, but a thrill. I’d roll my eyes at other students who planned their essays and worked on them a week or two in advance. Because they approached it in a dull fashion, there’s no way their writing could be anything more than dull, too. Normally scaredy-cat, rule-following, nerdy me would wait until approximately 12 hours before it was due to start even thinking about it. The procrastination became an addiction—the thrill of maybe not being able to get it done on time coupled with a good grade, just fed the beast for most of my adult life. And now, here I am with a ¾ finished novel, a board-less nonprofit and some lingering financial stuff that I need to deal with already.
Grief Learning Style
Everyone has their own Grief Learning Style. Some need one-on-one care, others are fine with virtual, some don’t want to learn anything about it, they just want to get through it. The problem is, there is no getting through, just figuring out how best to carry it with you. I like learning, I’m a nerd. I’m someone who enjoyed college so much I went back two more times. I’d go back again if I could. I think my love of classrooms, learning and a good workbook has really helped me approach this experience like a self-study course on The Worst Thing Ever. I think it’s the structure that appeals to my ping-ponging brain and interests—for whatever interest I had there was a class for it and I could feel like I was accomplishing something by taking said class and learning everything I could on the topic. So, after Daryl died, I found that the best space for my grief and emotional learning process was an online class with David Kessler. It was self-paced, you could come and go as you pleased, you could engage with others, or not. I really enjoyed it. (I loved it so much, I recently finished his 12-week course to become a certified grief educator. But that’s another post for another day).
I keep reminding myself that I’ve done a lot of other essential personal work on myself this year: I’m more than halfway through a year-long guided intention setting program (highly recommend), I’ve taken several online writing courses, I was accepted as a fellow for a literary magazine, I’ve faithfully gone to my favorite fitness studio multiple times a week, I’ve done two sugar cleanses and discovered I can comfortably live without dairy and gluten. If there’s a workbook or download out there to help me better understand and rethink my habits, I have downloaded it.
I feel guilty that after Daryl died, I received two gifts from the universe that I immediately put on mothballs. Does the universe have a due date for when you use the gifts its delivered? I’m trying to align and I hope the universe can forgive me and continue to help push me out of this this valley of procrastination.